A woman is the best prize to be earned, especially a white woman. At least, that is what I have learned living as a South Asian woman in America. When conversating with a South Asian man, it is not uncommon to hear them speak derogatorily about white woman and how they are “easy,” and yet they still place them on a pedestal. This idea of the perfect woman with fair skin and colored eyes is somehow always thrown into faces of South Asians. One can watch a Bollywood movie or music video, for instance, and all the background dancers will be scantily clad white women. White women, in an entirely brown production, for the sole purpose of sex appeal to the predominantly brown male audience. It bemuses me that the male gazes take priority over culture and authenticity. I mean, outside of tourist attractions, how frequently does one in India just happen to run into thirty white people on the street. It is truly unrealistic, and the least surprising part is that most of these movies or standards are created by men. These same men tend to classify women into one of two dichotomies: the Madonna or the whore.  

Yes, a bold statement but hear me out. According to Sigmund Freud’s Madonna-Whore complex, men tend to view women as either “chaste” and “good” Madonna's or “promiscuous” and “bad” whores. They are willing to wed the Madonna but are only sexually willing to engage with the whores. Although commonly conceived as a Western concept, I believe that this complex is a dominant facet of South Asian culture, where topics of sex and relationships are often deemed taboo for the diaspora and mainland communities alike. Sex education is often not discussed in my culture, and in many households, menstruation is also something to be ashamed of. The men of the house are not allowed to know when the women are menstruating, as if it is something to be embarrassed of. Brown women must walk on eggshells to avoid staining their reputation as “good” girls and are expected to remain virgins until society decides it's acceptable for them to stop being one. Meaning, until she has a man in her life. Brown men, on the other hand, are allowed more leeway in every way possible, maybe it's because they are viewed as “mama’s boys.” 

This complex stems from Freud’s Oedipus complex, which refers to a boy’s sexual attraction to his mother and hostility towards his father, leading to the common stereotype of brown men being “mama’s boys.” The dating site eHarmony released a study in 2019 revealing that 64% of men go for women who have similar personality traits as their mothers. Most men truly wish to be mothered in their relationships but struggle to synthesize this need with their sexual urges. South Asian men are particularly attached to their mothers, to the point where the term “raja betas” (which loosely translates to “king sons”) was coined. The “raja beta” is commonly spoiled by his mother, who is often seen cooking, cleaning, and generally homemaking. I personally have never seen my brother wash his dishes or pick up a broom, but simply pass the chores along to my mother and me. They entitle their sons and never correct their wrongs—especially when a woman is involved.  

One of the best depictions of this phenomenon is in the Netflix show Never Have I Ever, where the main character, Devi, a South Asian-American teenage girl, is pursuing her mother’s friend’s son of the same background, Des. He splits up with her right after his mother tells him that she “has problems,” telling Devi that dating her was “pissing off [his] mom.” Des has a large attachment to his mother and respects her more than the girl he wants to date, which is extremely common not only in the South Asian dating scene, but also unfortunately in marriages as well. Although Devi is not his girlfriend, Des is still perpetuating his childhood habit of having his mother making decisions for him in his personal life, as well as his romantic life. 

The idolization of the mother figure leads to the creation of a Madonna—the standard for a brown woman. From childhood, South Asian women are taught about the importance of satisfying their future mother-in-law and learning how to be good homemakers. Often, their clothing is restricted for appearances; a mini skirt would never fly in a traditional South Asian household, especially not one on the mainland. We are essentially creating another “mother,” a Madonna, a virgin Mary. However, the entitled son is allowed to do as he pleases, which leads to the separate idolization of the whore—an “other” figure. One who is separate from all things within the culture, separate from the mother: the white woman. Traditional South Asian men denigrate white women as sexually appealing but typically don’t marry them due to societal concerns—and because marrying outside the culture is generally taboo even in the diaspora. This is not to say that there aren’t South Asian Madonna’s; the case of Sunny Leone, a mainstream South Asian pornography actress, is an intersection between the brown Madonna and whore. She was India’s Most Searched Celebrity on Google from 2012-2014, beating out the prime minister and famous actors. The issue leads us to grapple with the issue of brown culture’s obsession with sexual innuendo and rejection of outright sex education and norming.  

So, what is better, being a Madonna, or a Whore as a South Asian woman in America? I personally believe that both categories should be melded, and I have respect for Sunny Leone for openly being able to talk about sex work. These conversations should become the norm, both for safety and cultural diffusion purposes. To lift the stigma off women in South Asian households, a lot of work needs to be done, but educating men in future generations and keeping them accountable for their actions would make a world of difference.